The conflict within

Disappointment and anger, followed by the fear and the refusal to confront the situation...you must have felt that at one point in your life. Sometimes all those feelings are pointing a certain person that did you wrong, and without knowing you end up dispising them and hatred wreathes the mere memory of what you had shared with them. The first impuls is to blame and to dispise the other, thinking that if they had acted differently things would have been much better. You strongly believe that the seed of your dissapointment was made of the other person's wrong actions. You want revenge, you might even succeed in getting even, but still you can't come to peace with yourself.
However, time has a weird way of putting things into a different perspective, when you switch from the heat of the moment to the coolness of retrospective thinking. Life's wind of change sweeps away both positive and negative feelings and also helps you to look inside yourself, without rushing into blaming the other.
After questioning yourself about what happened in a dusty past, you realize that you don't disdain the person that hurt you, as much as you hate the person that you became, while being with them. You don't throw stones at them anymore, since you feel you are responsible for the negative influence they had on for and for the person you turned into. You realize you don't hate them, but you hate what they are reminding you of.
All the feelings, if there ever where some, have been washed away by daily living, the charm of other love thrills and the embrace of other arms. However, you still don't feel comfortable with that person, because they remind you of what reprezents the weakest and the worst in you. Although you are strong and confident now, their mere presense evokes the image of a part of yourself that you despise.
You don't care much about them anymore, their life doesn't interest you, and you may have even forgiven them. And yet you can't stand them, not because you hate them , but because you haven't forgiven yourself for what you were once. Neither hate, nor love prevent you from being indifferent, but the fact that you still charge yourself for having been weak.
Only when you forgive that part of yourself that was once wrong for so long, will you be able to confront that person with a bright look in the eyes that shows a peaceful indiference, say hello and ask about the weather as you ask any other common aquitance.

Martina Topley Bird - Poison